Four years on, everything is different, everything is the same, oddly enough, in March (even in March)

Four years on, everything is different, everything is the same, oddly enough, in March (even in March)

cubicle company Mar ’16 durhamtown

Hello. I do this blogging thing poorly sometimes. Say adding to a post I tried to craft last week – 
So I watch a YouTuber named Casey Neistat. He just turned 35, which he proclaims as ‘old’
He just finished vlogging for a year straight – to overcome the obstacles he had set in place to keep him from doing what he wanted to do.

It’s got me thinking – What is it that I want to do? (Also ties in with the question asked “what is the next version of you?” by a dear friend)

What would I do every day for a year – and do it publicly – to make myself better at it?
Writing – which this blogging is not – kinda jumped into my head. A carryover from wanting to be Peter Egan for most of my teens and 20s.
Photography creeped in, with Bobster’s kindly notation that “you’ve been shooting every day for a decade, of course you’re good at this” offered about 52 weeks back.

So I sit in my p.en, (stand in my cubicle) the spring showers making the world washed, cleaner. Grey skies keep me seated. but to what end?
Seems I’m sure what it is that I do, in a way I could perform every day for a year. Huh. But, that’s a part of the challenge now isn’t it? Additional thoughts (hey – is that the 1st of a month approaching quickly?) is to share a particular photo, and write about it. Or a particular new song (thanks KEXP) that is stuck in my head, making me smile (Say, the Strumbellas’ Spirits) … still thinking.

Bubby passed away 4 years ago. I was phasing out of UNC, but got a week long reprieve or so.

it’s all the same – I’m still here, still lost.
it’s all different – MI is new, friends with kinders is new, friends standing strong as they wade through emotional hell is new. Casey Neistat showing that hard work can get you where you want to go – well, his portrayal is new, the path is classical.

huh, looking back at 2012, for I have a picture or three available … holy shit what a year.
and this – this right here – is my problem.
sooooo fucking stuck in the past.
how to let go?
how to go forward
fuck fuck fuck

(2012 included the following: UNC phases me out, Bubby passed away, Boo got pregnant, I started school, We ended the pregnancy, Blue-dog passed away.

It was a shit year, and our friends were amazing, our friends allowed us to live through it, our friends and family saved us.
Four years ago)

hiding out on a deck, ’cause fucked up shit. Hali had a fab time though, and look at me – surviving! Mar ’16 Durhamtown

So a bold (but not bold BOLD) decision to focus on me, on now and the future, vs. the mire I’ve been stuck in, eh? It seems … un-impassioned, that’s all. As if I can awake one day and go “hey, I’m going to do something with my life!!” – though Casey does note that hard work is the path, and I’ve done a fair job of avoiding that so far. Perhaps a new adventure, eh?

perhaps an adventure with less screaming and potential for loss of valuable money, eh? Mar ’16 Durhamtown

So perhaps I will just start, and then figure out what it is I’m supposed to be doing? “Bolding the Bold” perhaps. Or starting a national craze to use the “commalipse” in day to day communication ,,, when you need to pause to figure out what you want to follow up the first part of your communique with. Hmm….

Four years from now – 2020 (!!!!! holy shit), 8 year-olds running amok (amok amok amok), perhaps refining Scott Ver 51.9, who am I going to be? Where will I be living? What will I be doing? 

Will I see you there?
not saying I’m scared of the potential devastation of making a choice, but not saying I’m not scared of it. Durhamtown, Mar ’16
Perhaps caution, as I’ve used it, isn’t what’s needed. Perhaps a bold recklessness is called for. Perhaps.

Love the ones you love hard. Search for a way to forgive the ones you hate hard. Breathe, and visit your sister if you can.

:: s :: | Respice ad diem hanc |

{1:00p + 27Mar2016 = Sunday afternoon… || a rabbit hole has taken me to “Live from the Dukor, “Creep” by Radiohead covered by Linnéa Lindberg” ( from a search of “Closer to Fine” covers on the Tube of You}
{10:54a + 30Mar2016 = Wed morning || John In the Morning on KEXP spins Modest Mouse
Exit Does Not Exist (ohhh … scary applicable)}