|a very bad night indeed (~Jul2014)|
It included calling Alicia from the scene of an accident where I had wrecked Ramona.
It included feeling like I was about to be imminently beaten to a bloody pulp and having to accept that outcome since I was sitting in a car that was on fire.
It included not knowing what was gonna happen next, and that was not an enjoyable experience.
I haven’t shared much from that night. Of course over the weeks and months that passed, many – all?- of my family and friends were informed that something happened.
I can see how it was certainly an exclamation point at the end of a paragraph that seems to have ended a chapter in my book of life.
But … I got to continue that life. I got to go home with my wife. No one was hurt.
All of those things turned out to be pretty damn big in the grand scheme of things. It also turned out that I had no idea where the repercussions of that incident would take me, how my arc through the Universe would change, or how much, or if at all.
My past has parts that I don’t talk much about things – ask me about my Air Force career sometime; I found it easy to fall back on those skills.
I took to being … reserved? Definitely less of “look at me” person; partially due to having to be fairly quiet as my case worked its way through the court. Partially due to the shame & embarrassment of having ruined a pretty good thing; and I’m sure parts of it has been the wisdom of “if you don’t want to analyze how you got there, perhaps let others have the microphone for a bit”.
It wasn’t a good night.
|… the next day didn’t show anything much better (~Jul2014)|
//Where I was. What I was doing. Where I thought I was going. Choices made, choices regretted, life keeps on continuing.//
I’ve gotten to learn quite a number of things about myself in the ensuing 12 months.
I learned yet again that the love of my family and friends is amazing. – I’d argue undeserved, yet they persist in showing up in my darker moments. It makes me feel amazingly blessed.
I got myself a sassy therapist (“Do you want to take a photo of the cover?” Peter asked, holding up a copy of “Anger Kills”.) I wandered down a few avenues I never knew existed, took a look at myself and perhaps saw what others have always seen. Some core characteristics, some central identities were questioned, shaked, spindled, mutilated and discarded. Sadly. But for good effect, I hope, in both short and long term.
A year on and I don’t feel … good when talking & telling about this moment.
Recalling the bad things. They’re so sharp in detail – not the good things that came from this catalyst; that I have a better understanding of who I am (even though it isn’t what I thought for so long); I ended up making new friends in a great community here in Durham, which led directly to feeling better about who I am and where I’ve gotten myself. Which led to saying ‘yes’ when opportunity knocked and woke me up. These things are good … Manbites Dog Theater volunteering (community service, yo!) leads to house managing leads to that fucked up thing called esteem. Turns out as shitty a waste of a human being as I had deteriorated into (fuck you inner yappy dogs!!) I had some value. I wasn’t a complete waste of time & space. (So, tell me more about this therapy you’re in , Scott)
My Sass-master Peter pointed out that when the world gives you all the distractions in the world, you best find the way to do what needs to be done so that you end up being perplexed saying “why yes, I did graduate college with a degree – Information Systems Security, if you care. Associates. Good enough grades to make a Dean’s List (kinda after I left school – it was odd.)” Guidance found when asked for and given, followed as imperfectly as I have followed all the instructions in my life, has somehow led me to being a Project Assistant at Measurement Inc., complete with a business jaunt in week four of employment to meet our clients in the Big Apple! Woot!
|so we can open windows in NYC now? Ok… (~Jul2015)|
In the previous year, I’ve had great success, great sadness, much chaos & true joy. My wonderful Framily has had an incredible year of strife and frustrating sadness & heartache. We keep having as good a time as we possibly can as I try – try so fucking hard – to remain as grounded and grateful as I was last year, on a very bad night.
Having a full calendar slip by, I feel like I can commit to sharing what I’ve seen and done and hoped for and the good and bad that has come and gone. For those who’ve heard that earnest promise before, all I can say is, in truest therapeutic voice I can muster, we shall ‘begin again.’