Mark Nepo has a book called ‘the book of awakening’ – Blood gifted that to me at our big to-do last summer. It’s been a lovely reminder that a) there is reason to be hopeful, b) Blood has a heart as big as the Wyoming night sky, and c) as much as I flail, as much as I spin in consternation at how my life is going simple words of honest truths can still calm my spirit, show me the direction I can look to see the sliver of light under the stormy clouded sky.
How are you doing? Have you had a bit of joy in your life today? Might I suggest a small child’s giggles – they are, I’d argue, the most joyful thing in the world this morning.
Me – I’m struggling. I’m feeling quite a bit lost – like I’ve made it to the front of the train to look out the conductor’s window to note a) this is not the world I thought/wanted to be traveling through (lookin’ at you, MAGA-fuckers – the 50’s is a played out mentality and one that is quite dis-heartening – are a significant portion of the people in my country that dumb, ignorant, bigoted, or inherently hateful? fucking sad) and sadly the conductor is no where to be found, and thus I don’t know where we’re going (a 2 year old is certainly a destination that equals more than the journey!) or when we’ll get there (ya know, American train service, so unpredictable)
So April. 2019. How do we get through? ‘Working through the days with all we’ve got’ – well, how to accomplish that when in actuality you haven’t enough? Enough money. Enough energy. Enough hope. How? Obstacles can be climbed, but for me, right now, it seems if I slow down to tackle one thing another three new ones rise to challenge any progress I perceive. Is it me? Am I unable to do the things that need to be done? Well, here’s the thing – similar to the kind and loving refrain good sir John repeats and believes – You Are Not Alone – well, we are. I am. It’s me and my thoughts vs. the world and sometimes I am not my best friend. So there’s that.
Obstacles. Solo efforts. Solitary. Alone. (outstanding in my field … ha ha ha)
How much to give? Why have I always withheld all that I can do? What the fuck am I waiting for? Thankfully all of my internal strife with amount to absolutely nothing; it’s only what I manage to grab a hold of, drag to my realm, and deem ‘of me and mine, now and forever!’ that will create the reality I need to have. Wish me luck, eh? The luck of a rabbit, white and hopping.
//9:09a+1Apr2019=Monday || kexp’s evie spins gentle sunrising tones, including U2’s ‘One Tree Hill’//