Right beside me crumbled bits of the past, even in June

simple, respectful. Miss ya old man.

Used to be able to write copious words saying nothing. Tonight … can’t seem to find the rhythm to it. That’s fine – ask me about Rumbly’s sleeping efforts this past week.

My sister sent this to me over the weekend. I think about him a bit, as I do, often – say his birthday the other week (great pics from his 75th), when the moon is full, when Rumbly says ‘daddy’ (!!!!!!!!!!). He was a quiet and stable part of my life – simple. I know I missed finding the true ‘Bob’ but I fear that’s part of my M.O. – not a good part, sadly.

Bits of the past have been stuck in my craw for the past half year – every day I run into the ‘wait – no, that was just weird. Gah – how fucking strange was I?’ and I am distracted, diverted, losing momentum on my race to find a stable place to lift up my incredible luck. For all of my love for the anchors of my past some foundations are shaken, crumbling. Luckily we are judged in the here and now.

perhaps a very true true – family is good

I sit at a computer, listening to Amazon originals, looking at the grave marker of my dad and then a picture of Boo and her dad – and I have no idea how I get from here to there. Great thing is I get to walk the path and find out how it goes.

Ciao,
::
s ::
| Respice ad diem hanc |

“Don’t Forget to Be Awesome”

//9:46p+04Jun2019=Tues night || echoes of Amanda from earlier, with cheryl, on keXp//

Of feelings felt, oddly in April

a not so good beautiful day

A day that goes by remarkably is a fine enough day.

A day that goes by and causes you to find the moment, to realize things that are true but not often enough acknowledged – well, hard to say ‘we need more days like those’ when in truth we need to be able to start with acknowledging the true, eh?

I certainly have lived long enough to have experienced a few days where I was ‘in the moment’ – though luckily enough I can’t recall ever being actually there.

Yesterday was an odd day, with the episode starting with an exclamation point – buildings should shake, booms should only happen in mining towns. Un-knowledge follows – well, the crane outside the office window is still standing, so … that’s good? But what was that…?

An accident. A serious accident. That only minimal human suffering occurred can be credited to luck. So my travels after that exclamation point included some inside time, where unlike all the most recent inside time where I’m running being both chased by my yappy dogs and chasing them to make them stop, I was still, the pups at bay.

Guess I’ve traversed to the plane of being a parent all full and well. I both love the amazement of it all and – as of yesterday – keenly understand the stark difference this plane is to all the other moments in my life where things were happening and I pondered how it all impacted me. Yesterday, not so much the singular, eh?

Of course what I scribble here is nothing new. I suspect parents going back decades have had these feels. Joining this club is inevitable for those on a certain path.

all the reasons in the world

Kiddo  hasn’t been as committed to overnight rests as he was for the past year. Last night we comforted him early with us, and ended up with an overnight visit that allowed me to have a moment this morning where I got to be in the moment, sunrise gently illuminating his cheek.

May there be joy in your life today.

ciao,

Scott

|8:31a+11Apr19=Thurs morn | the whining of a doggo, the wee wee wee of a kiddo, at home|

“Working through the days with all we have”, oddly in April

A tome as a touchstone to own my troubled bones

Mark Nepo has a book called ‘the book of awakening’ – Blood gifted that to me at our big to-do last summer. It’s been a lovely reminder that a) there is reason to be hopeful, b) Blood has a heart as big as the Wyoming night sky, and c) as much as I flail, as much as I spin in consternation at how my life is going simple words of honest truths can still calm my spirit, show me the direction I can look to see the sliver of light under the stormy clouded sky.

How are you doing? Have you had a bit of joy in your life today? Might I suggest a small child’s giggles – they are, I’d argue, the most joyful thing in the world this morning.

Me – I’m struggling. I’m feeling quite a bit lost – like I’ve made it to the front of the train to look out the conductor’s window to note a) this is not the world I thought/wanted to be traveling through (lookin’ at you, MAGA-fuckers – the 50’s is a played out mentality and one that is quite dis-heartening – are a significant portion of the people in my country that dumb, ignorant, bigoted, or inherently hateful? fucking sad) and sadly the conductor is no where to be found, and thus I don’t know where we’re going (a 2 year old is certainly a destination that equals more than the journey!) or when we’ll get there (ya know, American train service, so unpredictable)

Trains know where they’re going, right?

So April. 2019. How do we get through? ‘Working through the days with all we’ve got’ – well, how to accomplish that when in actuality you haven’t enough? Enough money. Enough energy. Enough hope. How? Obstacles can be climbed, but for me, right now, it seems if I slow down to tackle one thing another three new ones rise to challenge any progress I perceive. Is it me? Am I unable to do the things that need to be done? Well, here’s the thing – similar to the kind and loving refrain good sir John repeats and believes – You Are Not Alone – well, we are. I am. It’s me and my thoughts vs. the world and sometimes I am not my best friend. So there’s that.

build your castle, even if you end up taping plastic to it

Obstacles. Solo efforts. Solitary. Alone. (outstanding in my field … ha ha ha)

How much to give? Why have I always withheld all that I can do? What the fuck am I waiting for? Thankfully all of my internal strife with amount to absolutely nothing; it’s only what I manage to grab a hold of, drag to my realm, and deem ‘of me and mine, now and forever!’ that will create the reality I need to have. Wish me luck, eh? The luck of a rabbit, white and hopping.

ciao,
Scott

//9:09a+1Apr2019=Monday || kexp’s evie spins gentle sunrising tones, including U2’s ‘One Tree Hill’//

Even at the end of February I can find joy

foggy february fantastic-ness

the morning was chalk full of fog (chalk dust full of fog?) – the kiddo enjoyed the diffuse outdoors from our bed, I enjoyed the eeriness of the scene. We bemoan the weather often (have you heard about the rains down in durhamtown? well, they certainly are ‘bless your heart’ blessed, eh?) – but I hope my joy in the variety of water our atmosphere deigns to drop on us – I mean, the sleet the other week was weak but you have to take what you get, right?

The dewy web was kind really cool – probably could have spent the morning shooting it, waiting for a glint of sunlight to make the drops sparkle like gemstones. Alas the time was not mine to spend on waiting for additional amazement, so I shot a pic or 7 and am pleased at the what I captured. Go me!

Go me – I was attempting to recall a ‘me march’ (or something silly like that) that I declared years ago. Me and my declarations, eh?

fiercely fabulous flowers amidst fog

So here’s the thing. here’s the thing… the thing.

I am struggling. I could use some help. I have no idea how, or who, to ask. what to ask for (besides ‘a million dollars’) or what to take or what it is that I need (besides ‘help’) – some of this is a clinical cycle, I suspect. is this where I find comfort in being wise enough to know that I don’t know everything? Ah, yes.

As we approach the 24 month mark in Rumbly’s adventure (apparently Boo and I have been on this trip for a few months more but I honestly have no math skills anymore) I am finding the days to have an overwhelming amount of ‘oh this is the best-est cutest most amazingly awesome thing ever (see Rumbly’s joy filled laughter, his eyes, HIS joy)’ counter weighted (balanced? er, no. no.) with depths of despair I didn’t realize were there (oh the depths I’ve visited; I believe my heart and soul have the scars to prove I’ve been down into the cragginess of the abyss in the past… just … well, didn’t see this dark corner before – guess it was behind me and I never took it all in) – in a whipping back and forth fashion I can only describe as alarming and exhausting.

there’s this thing. I’ve spent the last 3 months (holy shit – only three months? wtf – seems like past 3 years … gah) digging into my head, seeing the stored remembrances/ruminations/origin stories thru a lens I hadn’t used before (or seen?) – say, ya know, you have a kid with autism. & you think of the interactions – social, inter-personal, ‘typical’ situations that are handled in a ‘unique’ way. You think. You wonder. You worry. You start to doubt the core foundation of ‘who are you’ – I’m Scott, of course. Let me tell you the stories of my life.

Yet … doubt. Hell, don’t even know what I’m doubting – the stories happened. the facts are still the facts (thanks MickeyMatt – appreciated the delivery of the Concord sans window that one wintry night) – but suddenly the illumination is off the center, the bright spot you’ve held onto for all these days. Now the light expands and I am seeing … how fucking odd my past has been; how fucked up my past has been. If it were in some way a triumph over adversity (oh, those years I spent dressing so oddly was in fact the time I needed to stop “chasing the dragon”, yes – some go to rehab, some don’t make it, I wore questionable shorts in public in my late 20s – it’s the way thru, which is the only way thru, man)

//will this ever see the light of day? it must. it really does//

Will this see the light of day. because if I hit publish, if Blood sees it, if Boo – hell, anyone really, I will add to their worry and that’s not part of ‘who I am’ – but the days and moments are tough currently. I sit at the cubicle and think ‘well, that was an interesting week; should’ve be there – but no one thought of me; wtf’ (and immediately jump into my head to point out I didn’t shout loudly enough, or at all. then I look at the list of shit I’m ‘doing’ and see – well, school, quest, life, all the shit – yeah, I certainly would have been something had the team called me up from the bleacher. sigh. don’t think the team captain even knew I was there (how the hell could he?) – just … fuckery) {the proceeding is vague on purpose, sorry. a story for a later iteration of ‘Words Scott Puts Down – Watch Your Step’ show we all know and love.

When things are decent I feel like I’m at the cusp of putting all the shit together – experience, learning, skills, people I know. It doesn’t happen.

My only experience in radical change has been the time-tested burn it all down and move to the other side of the country method of my 20s. and 30s. sigh. not an option this time around.

mi amigo Matt

I am lucky to be able to look into the past fairly spectacularly – here’s  snap from 10 years ago.

We’ve changed, haven’t we my friend?

ciao,
::scott::
{Neuro Tribes, William Hughes reading Steve Silberman – ask me how this feels | 2:51p+01Mar2019=Friday afternoon}

oddly, in February, a hello, once more

thanks to McKinley Smith for his cool poster artwork!
what’s that? you didn’t know about International Clash Day? Well, now you do!

Hello there.
Wanted to share with you that next week the fairly awesome keXp.org will be hosting a theme of ‘International Clash Day’ all week long. Huh. Well, kinda odd. Then again – 40th anniv of London Calling, so really you should engage and enjoy!

It’s Feb 1. I thought I’d stop the BookFace thing, just for a month. Got to work and wouldn’t you know it was **thoughtless** that I was scrolling looking at cool things ( a doggo with a cato as a hato) – and this is not what I want to be doing with my time. There should be time for enjoyment – obvs. But what about getting my schoolwork locked down so I understand Org. Units in AD like the back of my hand? Setting group policies, auditing the layout/setup – I can do that. It’s not Cisco router setup – which is beyond my willingness to figure out. Sigh.

But no – posts. Good stuff. Pointless stuff. So I think if I craft a real note here in my blog, then share that – will that work for everyone? I hope so.

Oh, if you happen to have some coinage you’d not mind throwing at the aspirational “Framily Compound” well … there’s this!

within walking distance of neat things in durhamtown … though, of course, it kinda destroys nice things about durhamtown, eh?

How about something I made? I’m grappling with the concept that when I compose a shot I’m actually ‘making’ art, even though if I set up a cell phone to grab a time-lapse the phone is doing a lot of the work – but it didn’t pick the view. I did that!

when you look and see things

ciao! may you find joy in your day. ::ps::

//10:03a+01feb2019=friday || keXp JItM plays Ziggy – Ziggy Stardust (and followed by signed/sealed/delivered by Stevie Wonder. Because they are so much better at this!)//

well – yeah. John does a decent job of picking songs, wouldn’t you agree?
well you’re welcom Int’l Clash Day


Even in January … Bowie is a god

cool morning sky – durhamtown – 2019

Have you heard of keXp? Awesome little station out of Seattle. Morning DJ – John Richards – does a really good job of making my days more hopeful and generally better. Say, as he starts his show on Tuesday, January 8th, with a track off of Bowie’s last album. //Lazarus – David Bowie – Black Star

I’ve been pondering ‘community’ a bit lately. No, not the awesome tv show. You know – I’m part of the durham community by the fact I’ve lived here 10 years. I’ve recently joined a couple of other communities by declaration – I have a coffee cup saying I’m part of the morning faithful at keXp. Yay me! I also have a valid student ID (erm, yay me?), a reserved spot on a quest at the end of the month (erm, really? what?), and of course a community or two I haven’t said hello to. Soon.

How do we go about making and joining and leaving communities? One aspect I wasn’t prepared for was the dissolution of my core social group. Over the years it’s dwindled and not really sure how to fight that. Funny thing is I’m not even sure how I gathered peeps – I suspect, I believe I’ve heard say, that when young it’s all fresh and new and exciting, and in crossing paths, bumping into new people you’re likely to connect. Add a few years/decades and it’s all old hat, and it’s all a lot of work to get to where you ‘know’ you’re going to end up. Sigh. But the effort probably is worth it. A new year, so a new hopeful outlook.

technicolor sunrise – durhamtown – 201

Ok – good sir John has mentioned I should put some bowie on tonight, 6pm Seattle time. I’ll just … make an alarm… ok – should happen. Yay!

ciao! may you find joy in your day. ::ps::

you know what I don’t have on these posts – the date/time stamp with what I’m listening to. huh. //10:07a+8Jan2019=Tues || keXp JItM Dear Prudence by Siouxsie and the Banshees //


Even in Jan … Sunday eve is tough

so tough that this isn’t even from Sunday. Merely recollections of a fevered mind. oh – wait – the kiddo and I – did we visit the girls? Huh.

when goodness and kindness is applied – durhamtown/seattle – 2019

I’m lucky beyond words. I know that. I’m as troubled and challenged as the next person (or ten) – but I am lucky. Say, taking the kiddo to go hang with friends as they finish up their holiday gift giving (seems Holidays with kids & partners isn’t as easy as, say, shooting your eye out with an official Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle), seeing my kiddo enjoy(!) the chaos, happily wave goodbye to the Fifi-master, and in tailing the tyke as he made his rounds I notice on the fridge, the love, the kindness, the goodness of the better twin. fuck. so damn lucky I tell ya.

Sunday eves are still a bit of a challenge – after a holiday break it’s even more of a challenge to attain the declared goals of ‘earlier, better’ – but we try. We have to. Set the model for the kid, right?

ciao! may you find joy in your day. ::ps::

//10:56a+8Jan19=Tues morn || keXp spins some truth – Arrest The President by Ice Cube//


The Good and the Bad … even in January

ripples in the new sky – durhamtown – 2019

So what am I doing?

I ask that often, and hardly ever have a good or relevant answer. I’m failing/flailing. I’m showing up at places I don’t particularly know why I go there. Habit?

I had a chat tonight with a stranger who offered an assessment based on a phone call. It was nice to hear nice things. He noted that I seem to be setting some steps into motion that will hopefully lead to bigger and better steps.

I think I’ll make a blend – even in 2019 + a weekly’sh YT – seems doable, eh?

Oh one idea I had today was along the lines of ‘cool shit that does good stuff’ – was futzing with AIMP mp3 player and got it to turn on as an ‘alarm’ mode then turn off via a sleep function. It’s my goto player app since is has a ‘radio capture’ feature – just have to figure out how to integrate the timer with the recorder.

ok – this is weak sauce and I apologize. things are mozing along and I do have hope in my heart.

I hope you are experiencing joy as often as you’d like to.

ciao! may you find joy in your day. ::ps::

Even in 2019… goals

new winter sky

Hi there. How’s life treating you? Good I hope.

what – this again? sure, why not.

It’s a new year and as I look at my shiny new planner – all the unfilled in boxes/pages … oh the feeling of control. Of being on top of the… huh. what? It’s not the 1st? I’m already a day late??!!!

Ah – life – certainly gets in the way of having those magically perfect plans.

So here I am, beginning again. Again. Time-lapse videos over bad VO efforts.

From my super recent living I have these things to share – John Green (vlogbrothers) posted his weekly video on Resolutions and Goals. Noting that Congress can Resloute the fuck out of things, even with the government paralyzed. How are they doing on goals though. And thus applicable to you and me and Trav El Monkey! Goals. Yup, let’s do this:

2019 goals

Well, I’m positive I can list 2,019 goals if asked. It would take a while at that. But that’s not what this is. This is where I say things like –

  • spend more time doing the things I like to do
  • Read more
  • watch less
  • make more (ah, double meaning)
  • spend less
  • Go to the places I want to be
  • make effort on notes and kindnesses

Along with John’s take on things I’ve been going over what the PSYTCoMT really is for. I have not a better clue than when I started pondering. Sigh. I have the ideas of balancing possible income on something I like to do (er, web surfing? saving files of cool things never to be looked at again? (eHording) – it’s endless the pointless ideas I have) – how to make it ‘work’ – Inside things guy gets a free Tesla with referrals – not a cheat, just maximizing the benefit of the system for himself. How do i do that?

ciao! may you find joy in your day. ::ps::