mis-taken creativity, oddly in may

doggo luvs PB & fire trucks 🙂

so we try, once more, to go forward by looking backwards. you would think I’d learn by now.

below are thoughts jotted down months ago. probably need to embrace the fact that drafts are ok – that it’s practice, and it isn’t supposed to be perfect.

the issue is … just practice HAS to be ‘good enough’ because otherwise I’ll have nothing to share. quite the pickle, eh?

inside ghouls & outside miracles

this the full moon – 50 years on from ‘going to the Moon’ becoming something we do. I think of my dad, of trips thru dark nights, of boyish fantasies & late 70s broadcast programming – shall we be Buck? or perhaps Appolo? then there was the space garbage scow – Quark I think?

space was full of awesome & fabulousness. or maybe that’s what the boy saw. I wonder what Rumbly will see when he’s 8 years old. guess I’ll have to ask “what’s on your mind, kiddo?’ that and try to be a light in the darkness.


//12:59a+16aug2019=Friday, barely|echoes of the theme of ‘Magnum, P.I.’//

+++from back in May+++

‘What’s on your mind?’ the prompt reads.
A john cleese attributed quote on most effective restriction of creativity is fear of making a mistake.
which, obvs, isn’t an issue with the Wallace clan now is it?!


//1403+13May2019=monday afternoon || the brothers green speak to learning names //

even in Jun I like to write posts and forget about them…

shades of sunshine

such amazing things these children – must be careful to let them grow to unimaginable awesomeness!

||>- and then even in August and I’ll try to make things better by sharing what pithy comments I’ve accidentally captured.


:: ps ::
| Respice ad diem hanc |

“Don’t Forget to Be Awesome”

//9:21p+8jun2019= sat Eve|kids in the midst of bedtime routines//

even in June I believe in double rainbows

||>- a draft I’ve had in waiting since the end of June. I have no idea what nebulousness I was going to pontificate on, but I will say – even in August – I believe in double rainbows. Just ask the cloud captain!

Oh – and go watch Sara & Duck. It’s sweet, smart, charming.

Quite a nice show.

:: ps ::
| Respice ad diem hanc | “Don’t Forget to Be Awesome”

|2;11p+30Jun2019 = Sunday||Sarah & duck|

a rainy Sat morning, even in June

they have another brick in the wall on this album – wtf?

the power of technology – I’m dictating this entry from my phone while watching my kid play in our middle room.

The deluge from this morning’s storm caused a beautiful waterfall outside the big window, fortunately that means I should go fix the gutters. but this also means I have no excuse for not crafting posts.

I wonder if in my youth I would have not questioned whether a motorcycle oriented podcast crafted from my own so brilliant and witty thoughts would be a success, but now I question anything and everything I can think of possibly attempting. what a shitty stage in my life.

a new week, a new set up at The Fruit!

though I didn’t stick around for the techno dance party last night I did look into the celeb DJ’s hit ‘sandstorm‘ – it’s been watched on YouTube 115 million times! fairly impressive – & also yay durhamtown!!

well – this was (like everything else I guess) just a test of the emergency content creation system – had this been a real blog post I would have waxed nostalgic at least once, & probably shared a bit on how I’m feeling amazing watching my kid while feeling terrified & paralyzed watching my kid – perhaps next time eh?

ciao, from durhamtown. the Bull City!


//8:59a+8Jun2019= Sat morn || all the rain, the dishwasher, the happy noises of a 25mo, a wonderful moment, truly//

Right beside me crumbled bits of the past, even in June

simple, respectful. Miss ya old man.

Used to be able to write copious words saying nothing. Tonight … can’t seem to find the rhythm to it. That’s fine – ask me about Rumbly’s sleeping efforts this past week.

My sister sent this to me over the weekend. I think about him a bit, as I do, often – say his birthday the other week (great pics from his 75th), when the moon is full, when Rumbly says ‘daddy’ (!!!!!!!!!!). He was a quiet and stable part of my life – simple. I know I missed finding the true ‘Bob’ but I fear that’s part of my M.O. – not a good part, sadly.

Bits of the past have been stuck in my craw for the past half year – every day I run into the ‘wait – no, that was just weird. Gah – how fucking strange was I?’ and I am distracted, diverted, losing momentum on my race to find a stable place to lift up my incredible luck. For all of my love for the anchors of my past some foundations are shaken, crumbling. Luckily we are judged in the here and now.

perhaps a very true true – family is good

I sit at a computer, listening to Amazon originals, looking at the grave marker of my dad and then a picture of Boo and her dad – and I have no idea how I get from here to there. Great thing is I get to walk the path and find out how it goes.

s ::
| Respice ad diem hanc |

“Don’t Forget to Be Awesome”

//9:46p+04Jun2019=Tues night || echoes of Amanda from earlier, with cheryl, on keXp//

Of feelings felt, oddly in April

a not so good beautiful day

A day that goes by remarkably is a fine enough day.

A day that goes by and causes you to find the moment, to realize things that are true but not often enough acknowledged – well, hard to say ‘we need more days like those’ when in truth we need to be able to start with acknowledging the true, eh?

I certainly have lived long enough to have experienced a few days where I was ‘in the moment’ – though luckily enough I can’t recall ever being actually there.

Yesterday was an odd day, with the episode starting with an exclamation point – buildings should shake, booms should only happen in mining towns. Un-knowledge follows – well, the crane outside the office window is still standing, so … that’s good? But what was that…?

An accident. A serious accident. That only minimal human suffering occurred can be credited to luck. So my travels after that exclamation point included some inside time, where unlike all the most recent inside time where I’m running being both chased by my yappy dogs and chasing them to make them stop, I was still, the pups at bay.

Guess I’ve traversed to the plane of being a parent all full and well. I both love the amazement of it all and – as of yesterday – keenly understand the stark difference this plane is to all the other moments in my life where things were happening and I pondered how it all impacted me. Yesterday, not so much the singular, eh?

Of course what I scribble here is nothing new. I suspect parents going back decades have had these feels. Joining this club is inevitable for those on a certain path.

all the reasons in the world

Kiddo  hasn’t been as committed to overnight rests as he was for the past year. Last night we comforted him early with us, and ended up with an overnight visit that allowed me to have a moment this morning where I got to be in the moment, sunrise gently illuminating his cheek.

May there be joy in your life today.



|8:31a+11Apr19=Thurs morn | the whining of a doggo, the wee wee wee of a kiddo, at home|

“Working through the days with all we have”, oddly in April

A tome as a touchstone to own my troubled bones

Mark Nepo has a book called ‘the book of awakening’ – Blood gifted that to me at our big to-do last summer. It’s been a lovely reminder that a) there is reason to be hopeful, b) Blood has a heart as big as the Wyoming night sky, and c) as much as I flail, as much as I spin in consternation at how my life is going simple words of honest truths can still calm my spirit, show me the direction I can look to see the sliver of light under the stormy clouded sky.

How are you doing? Have you had a bit of joy in your life today? Might I suggest a small child’s giggles – they are, I’d argue, the most joyful thing in the world this morning.

Me – I’m struggling. I’m feeling quite a bit lost – like I’ve made it to the front of the train to look out the conductor’s window to note a) this is not the world I thought/wanted to be traveling through (lookin’ at you, MAGA-fuckers – the 50’s is a played out mentality and one that is quite dis-heartening – are a significant portion of the people in my country that dumb, ignorant, bigoted, or inherently hateful? fucking sad) and sadly the conductor is no where to be found, and thus I don’t know where we’re going (a 2 year old is certainly a destination that equals more than the journey!) or when we’ll get there (ya know, American train service, so unpredictable)

Trains know where they’re going, right?

So April. 2019. How do we get through? ‘Working through the days with all we’ve got’ – well, how to accomplish that when in actuality you haven’t enough? Enough money. Enough energy. Enough hope. How? Obstacles can be climbed, but for me, right now, it seems if I slow down to tackle one thing another three new ones rise to challenge any progress I perceive. Is it me? Am I unable to do the things that need to be done? Well, here’s the thing – similar to the kind and loving refrain good sir John repeats and believes – You Are Not Alone – well, we are. I am. It’s me and my thoughts vs. the world and sometimes I am not my best friend. So there’s that.

build your castle, even if you end up taping plastic to it

Obstacles. Solo efforts. Solitary. Alone. (outstanding in my field … ha ha ha)

How much to give? Why have I always withheld all that I can do? What the fuck am I waiting for? Thankfully all of my internal strife with amount to absolutely nothing; it’s only what I manage to grab a hold of, drag to my realm, and deem ‘of me and mine, now and forever!’ that will create the reality I need to have. Wish me luck, eh? The luck of a rabbit, white and hopping.


//9:09a+1Apr2019=Monday || kexp’s evie spins gentle sunrising tones, including U2’s ‘One Tree Hill’//

Learning to crawl – 005

This effort is interesting – it’s the summation of decades of my internal voice now being expressed and captured. Shared, even.

Scary stuff. So very odd. But as I noted today perhaps that’s because I’m learning to crawl. Crawling along the floor of the Creator’s room, poking outlets with my somewhat out of control fingers. Wonder what’s gonna happen!

I sat at home tonight, catching up on a few of the channels I follow. I scrolled through my subscription ‘latest updates’ page – certainly felt out of my league. People know how to do stuff, and can make great videos sharing that. Me? Well … uh. Yeah. Not so sure about anything at the moment. Do know I love my kid, my wife’s amazing, and I have an incredibly supportive Blood. So that’s all good news.

I just have to believe that I’ll be walking in no time.

ciao! may you find joy in your day. ::ps::

Blog Life

Is this my first blog? No. Does LiveJournal count?

Is this my best blog? No. Pretty sure early ’00s, I think I was pushing ‘TTocsland’ as my identity, because … really, no clue. I wanted to be cool or something. Ended up something.

amazing what the internet keeps in the attic, eh? – ~2007

This time around? Well, it’s to be a support vehicle for my attempt at YouTubing (vlogging? navel gazing? speaking out of my ass? whatevs) – who knows it may even work as a place where I start to go forward!

[ever onward, sometimes forward!]

Hope you stick around, visit from time to time – I’m pretty sure it’s gonna get better.

ciao! may you find joy in your day. ::ps::