Of feelings felt, oddly in April

a not so good beautiful day

A day that goes by remarkably is a fine enough day.

A day that goes by and causes you to find the moment, to realize things that are true but not often enough acknowledged – well, hard to say ‘we need more days like those’ when in truth we need to be able to start with acknowledging the true, eh?

I certainly have lived long enough to have experienced a few days where I was ‘in the moment’ – though luckily enough I can’t recall ever being actually there.

Yesterday was an odd day, with the episode starting with an exclamation point – buildings should shake, booms should only happen in mining towns. Un-knowledge follows – well, the crane outside the office window is still standing, so … that’s good? But what was that…?

An accident. A serious accident. That only minimal human suffering occurred can be credited to luck. So my travels after that exclamation point included some inside time, where unlike all the most recent inside time where I’m running being both chased by my yappy dogs and chasing them to make them stop, I was still, the pups at bay.

Guess I’ve traversed to the plane of being a parent all full and well. I both love the amazement of it all and – as of yesterday – keenly understand the stark difference this plane is to all the other moments in my life where things were happening and I pondered how it all impacted me. Yesterday, not so much the singular, eh?

Of course what I scribble here is nothing new. I suspect parents going back decades have had these feels. Joining this club is inevitable for those on a certain path.

all the reasons in the world

Kiddo  hasn’t been as committed to overnight rests as he was for the past year. Last night we comforted him early with us, and ended up with an overnight visit that allowed me to have a moment this morning where I got to be in the moment, sunrise gently illuminating his cheek.

May there be joy in your life today.

ciao,

Scott

|8:31a+11Apr19=Thurs morn | the whining of a doggo, the wee wee wee of a kiddo, at home|

“Working through the days with all we have”, oddly in April

A tome as a touchstone to own my troubled bones

Mark Nepo has a book called ‘the book of awakening’ – Blood gifted that to me at our big to-do last summer. It’s been a lovely reminder that a) there is reason to be hopeful, b) Blood has a heart as big as the Wyoming night sky, and c) as much as I flail, as much as I spin in consternation at how my life is going simple words of honest truths can still calm my spirit, show me the direction I can look to see the sliver of light under the stormy clouded sky.

How are you doing? Have you had a bit of joy in your life today? Might I suggest a small child’s giggles – they are, I’d argue, the most joyful thing in the world this morning.

Me – I’m struggling. I’m feeling quite a bit lost – like I’ve made it to the front of the train to look out the conductor’s window to note a) this is not the world I thought/wanted to be traveling through (lookin’ at you, MAGA-fuckers – the 50’s is a played out mentality and one that is quite dis-heartening – are a significant portion of the people in my country that dumb, ignorant, bigoted, or inherently hateful? fucking sad) and sadly the conductor is no where to be found, and thus I don’t know where we’re going (a 2 year old is certainly a destination that equals more than the journey!) or when we’ll get there (ya know, American train service, so unpredictable)

Trains know where they’re going, right?

So April. 2019. How do we get through? ‘Working through the days with all we’ve got’ – well, how to accomplish that when in actuality you haven’t enough? Enough money. Enough energy. Enough hope. How? Obstacles can be climbed, but for me, right now, it seems if I slow down to tackle one thing another three new ones rise to challenge any progress I perceive. Is it me? Am I unable to do the things that need to be done? Well, here’s the thing – similar to the kind and loving refrain good sir John repeats and believes – You Are Not Alone – well, we are. I am. It’s me and my thoughts vs. the world and sometimes I am not my best friend. So there’s that.

build your castle, even if you end up taping plastic to it

Obstacles. Solo efforts. Solitary. Alone. (outstanding in my field … ha ha ha)

How much to give? Why have I always withheld all that I can do? What the fuck am I waiting for? Thankfully all of my internal strife with amount to absolutely nothing; it’s only what I manage to grab a hold of, drag to my realm, and deem ‘of me and mine, now and forever!’ that will create the reality I need to have. Wish me luck, eh? The luck of a rabbit, white and hopping.

ciao,
Scott

//9:09a+1Apr2019=Monday || kexp’s evie spins gentle sunrising tones, including U2’s ‘One Tree Hill’//