Even at the end of February I can find joy

foggy february fantastic-ness

the morning was chalk full of fog (chalk dust full of fog?) – the kiddo enjoyed the diffuse outdoors from our bed, I enjoyed the eeriness of the scene. We bemoan the weather often (have you heard about the rains down in durhamtown? well, they certainly are ‘bless your heart’ blessed, eh?) – but I hope my joy in the variety of water our atmosphere deigns to drop on us – I mean, the sleet the other week was weak but you have to take what you get, right?

The dewy web was kind really cool – probably could have spent the morning shooting it, waiting for a glint of sunlight to make the drops sparkle like gemstones. Alas the time was not mine to spend on waiting for additional amazement, so I shot a pic or 7 and am pleased at the what I captured. Go me!

Go me – I was attempting to recall a ‘me march’ (or something silly like that) that I declared years ago. Me and my declarations, eh?

fiercely fabulous flowers amidst fog

So here’s the thing. here’s the thing… the thing.

I am struggling. I could use some help. I have no idea how, or who, to ask. what to ask for (besides ‘a million dollars’) or what to take or what it is that I need (besides ‘help’) – some of this is a clinical cycle, I suspect. is this where I find comfort in being wise enough to know that I don’t know everything? Ah, yes.

As we approach the 24 month mark in Rumbly’s adventure (apparently Boo and I have been on this trip for a few months more but I honestly have no math skills anymore) I am finding the days to have an overwhelming amount of ‘oh this is the best-est cutest most amazingly awesome thing ever (see Rumbly’s joy filled laughter, his eyes, HIS joy)’ counter weighted (balanced? er, no. no.) with depths of despair I didn’t realize were there (oh the depths I’ve visited; I believe my heart and soul have the scars to prove I’ve been down into the cragginess of the abyss in the past… just … well, didn’t see this dark corner before – guess it was behind me and I never took it all in) – in a whipping back and forth fashion I can only describe as alarming and exhausting.

there’s this thing. I’ve spent the last 3 months (holy shit – only three months? wtf – seems like past 3 years … gah) digging into my head, seeing the stored remembrances/ruminations/origin stories thru a lens I hadn’t used before (or seen?) – say, ya know, you have a kid with autism. & you think of the interactions – social, inter-personal, ‘typical’ situations that are handled in a ‘unique’ way. You think. You wonder. You worry. You start to doubt the core foundation of ‘who are you’ – I’m Scott, of course. Let me tell you the stories of my life.

Yet … doubt. Hell, don’t even know what I’m doubting – the stories happened. the facts are still the facts (thanks MickeyMatt – appreciated the delivery of the Concord sans window that one wintry night) – but suddenly the illumination is off the center, the bright spot you’ve held onto for all these days. Now the light expands and I am seeing … how fucking odd my past has been; how fucked up my past has been. If it were in some way a triumph over adversity (oh, those years I spent dressing so oddly was in fact the time I needed to stop “chasing the dragon”, yes – some go to rehab, some don’t make it, I wore questionable shorts in public in my late 20s – it’s the way thru, which is the only way thru, man)

//will this ever see the light of day? it must. it really does//

Will this see the light of day. because if I hit publish, if Blood sees it, if Boo – hell, anyone really, I will add to their worry and that’s not part of ‘who I am’ – but the days and moments are tough currently. I sit at the cubicle and think ‘well, that was an interesting week; should’ve be there – but no one thought of me; wtf’ (and immediately jump into my head to point out I didn’t shout loudly enough, or at all. then I look at the list of shit I’m ‘doing’ and see – well, school, quest, life, all the shit – yeah, I certainly would have been something had the team called me up from the bleacher. sigh. don’t think the team captain even knew I was there (how the hell could he?) – just … fuckery) {the proceeding is vague on purpose, sorry. a story for a later iteration of ‘Words Scott Puts Down – Watch Your Step’ show we all know and love.

When things are decent I feel like I’m at the cusp of putting all the shit together – experience, learning, skills, people I know. It doesn’t happen.

My only experience in radical change has been the time-tested burn it all down and move to the other side of the country method of my 20s. and 30s. sigh. not an option this time around.

mi amigo Matt

I am lucky to be able to look into the past fairly spectacularly – here’s  snap from 10 years ago.

We’ve changed, haven’t we my friend?

{Neuro Tribes, William Hughes reading Steve Silberman – ask me how this feels | 2:51p+01Mar2019=Friday afternoon}

oddly, in February, a hello, once more

thanks to McKinley Smith for his cool poster artwork!
what’s that? you didn’t know about International Clash Day? Well, now you do!

Hello there.
Wanted to share with you that next week the fairly awesome keXp.org will be hosting a theme of ‘International Clash Day’ all week long. Huh. Well, kinda odd. Then again – 40th anniv of London Calling, so really you should engage and enjoy!

It’s Feb 1. I thought I’d stop the BookFace thing, just for a month. Got to work and wouldn’t you know it was **thoughtless** that I was scrolling looking at cool things ( a doggo with a cato as a hato) – and this is not what I want to be doing with my time. There should be time for enjoyment – obvs. But what about getting my schoolwork locked down so I understand Org. Units in AD like the back of my hand? Setting group policies, auditing the layout/setup – I can do that. It’s not Cisco router setup – which is beyond my willingness to figure out. Sigh.

But no – posts. Good stuff. Pointless stuff. So I think if I craft a real note here in my blog, then share that – will that work for everyone? I hope so.

Oh, if you happen to have some coinage you’d not mind throwing at the aspirational “Framily Compound” well … there’s this!

within walking distance of neat things in durhamtown … though, of course, it kinda destroys nice things about durhamtown, eh?

How about something I made? I’m grappling with the concept that when I compose a shot I’m actually ‘making’ art, even though if I set up a cell phone to grab a time-lapse the phone is doing a lot of the work – but it didn’t pick the view. I did that!

when you look and see things

ciao! may you find joy in your day. ::ps::

//10:03a+01feb2019=friday || keXp JItM plays Ziggy – Ziggy Stardust (and followed by signed/sealed/delivered by Stevie Wonder. Because they are so much better at this!)//

well – yeah. John does a decent job of picking songs, wouldn’t you agree?
well you’re welcom Int’l Clash Day