Even on a Saturday in 2019 I can hear myself from the past

rectilinear by the hand of man, graceless by the lack of god (little g)

the pitter patter of little feet … smacking the wall. Oh Rumbly, nothing under the sun is new, is it?

for 2 years I’ve been amazed that my folks let me live. I didn’t realize what a shit I was – all the time. guess love can blind you, eh?

we seemed so very happy

A saturday in the sun, though – not out in it yet. We have Sarah & Duck, not Superfriends; Daniel Tiger, not Looney Tunes (which one had the sheep dog? I like that one.) He sits after a few feasts and sleeps playing with Boo’s celly tripod – it makes a really good “clack’ – metal brip halfs along a metal spacer threads with the barrels sliding back and forth – like an abacus but for photographers. He’s happy – and really that’s what we pursue.

the irony however is stunning. See last post.


the boy is at the window in the middle room, I’m at the new (latest) desk spot  trying to grind through some NOS/CTI classes – failing.

the home is a bit of a shambles.

Boo is off doing … well, something. and I’m very happy for that. I was quite not happy earlier.

How the fuck are you and yours? Good I hope.

I glanced every so briefly at the blog – and honestly I need to understand what I’m trying to do better, more. I can make speaking at myself videos – I do like talking, eh?

[[10:12p+27Oct2019= Sunday eve | something to distract me on YouTube (Linus Tech tips) while I get my data re-oriented from As to Ace … it’s only sounding like a tornado hitting a Highland Games festival, right?]]

///Last Modified 2019/03/02///

Remember when music was everything to you? Even in January…

I listen exclusively to keXp.org’s streaming radio, John Richard’s uniquely titled “John in the Morning Show” – it’s what I look forward to. It’s really good in my opinion.

good sir John – thanks

+10:16p+22Oct2019=Tuesday eve | good sir doug in a Mac P1 – seems happy+

I pull the draft folder up from time to time – want to make sure I haven’t forgotten the best paragraph EVER WRITTEN – so far, so good.

with this post gotta say I pretty much nailed it! go me!



///Last Modified

early in the morning pondering what being a parent means, oddly in October

hope you enjoy the cacophony from time to time ma., c oct 19, hobbit house

I don’t remember her last words to me. Or to anyone, I guess.

I recall fumbled phone calls and the really shitty timing for Blood to step across the street.

I recall the amazing kindness and … emotion of a bar down the street, and the feeling of being gutted the next day. and the next. ad nauseum.

I can look and see – I know / recall taking pictures of my face – what did I look like.

but, that’s me, Eleanor’s son.


an oldie, I know. but I like it. circa erm ??? whitestown way

I miss you ma.

Don’t think of you as often, but you’re always there, my stable base, my excellent foundation. Boy howdy do I get to ponder how I became who I am vs. the enormous number of folk who weren’t raised as well as I was. Of course you get the most of the credit.

I do have some question re: alt interpretations of who “Scott was” – sadly, not for this timeline, eh?

This timeline is now different.

Oh I get it now, so much more than I ever did. c oct ’19, hobbit house

there were moments in the past – a certain motorcycle ride by my then girl-friend Pam which, at least as I tell the story, had me calling you and apologizing profusely for what I must have put you through.

but nowadays, well, the fears and amazement and realization at what you managed to pull off. Just wow.

Boo holds the mantel of ‘mom’ at least in my current life – she’s doing a great job.

He’s a great kid.

I hope – oh how I hope – he becomes a man whom you’d be proud to be family too. strange feels, strange times, and anniversaries of momentous falling.

Thanks – once more and evermore – for all you gave to me ma. Certainly gives me a fighting chance most days.

Her joy was shared easily, often. c Jun ’03?, Wendy & Mike’s place … cold brook?

tell your loved ones that you love them


hey – I love you. even if we’ve not spoken in too long.


:: s ::
| Respice ad diem hanc |

“Don’t Forget to Be Awesome”

//12:13a+21Oct2019=Monday | random blather on the Tube of You … though as Modern Rogues they seem kinda cool/

the good part of celluloid nostalgia, even in October

well, it’s no Austrian Hauptbahnhof that’s for sure, but I like the lines. c Oct ’19, durhamtown

a long time ago, in a town … well, 12 hours away, I either paid good money to sit in a cinema and watch a ‘teen flick’, or perhaps abused a friend’s employee status at the vhs rental store in the mall, to catch a flick starring a certain Blacklist Master and a Man of Iron…

oh how lives careen merrily through the universe. It’s tuff at times.

it left a certain indelible impression. It’s currently an option to fish out of the Amazon river …, er platform. Currently I’m watching it stream and think – whoa – also – wow. but mostly … whoa.

I’ve always loved a good story presented in moving pictures. All sorts of … well, dramatic stories – ‘streamed’ via the set-top converter box on the only choice at the time HBO. A six million dollar man who used to be a race car driver but had one last race across the country, a lot of angry Vietnam vets, an interesting intramural borough extreme marathon, stress & joy of college entrance exams & how Porsches do not float well. All sorts of interesting things for a kid with no curfew to speak of to watch. Well, I mean, honestly I was just really enthralled to disappear into interesting stories.

I guess what I’m impressed with is witnessing the beginning of a path, progress that took a few of these fellow lives of the 80s to interesting places.

I’m watching a bicyclist – wrenching on out of whack wheels – huh, didn’t MickeyMatt work on bikes.

“That bike cost $500 dollars” …

huh – three string electric bass. from the house band. Guy’s named Jim I’m pretty sure.

this movie was part of the ‘get to Cali and have a better life’ – funny how some youthful dreams are missed even when opportunity is presented.

“cole brothers circus” poster – cool.

Also – 80s fashion was impressive…

huh – perhaps a drummer who uses only one drumstick?

All sorts of influence and impact from 90 minute fiction. Huh.

wonder what the arc is now. Does a YouTube video make a similar deflection to a wandering soul’s journey?

Does a ‘non-player character’ – say a lovely ’68 Camaro – still leave a universal response programmed into your soul?

looks good in the Turf. It’s not better off dead though.

I will note that Robert has been amazing since, I guess, the dawn of time. Thanks for sharing your gifts good sir.

… and I just found out that Sandy’s is where Van Hamburger Helper was filmed – connecting Tuff to … better off? One Crazy Summer it must have been to see all these films. Nope, Better off Dead…

“off course size matters, this is the 80s”

“you’re a good man. take it easy on yourself. give yourself a break” – turns out Red’s pop had some great advice to offer a kid dealing with growing up in the 80s.

I draft/scribble/clatter at the keys as my kid grabs a few dozen zzzzz’s between bouts of howling, my cough pretty much done (thus I’m up watching a gem of an 80s movie that no one has seen), Boo overwhelmed by everything, myself finding it all too much, and anyone one thing too much.

October – ‘fighting the darkness that breaks our hearts’ sings a very young Reddington. It’s all quite something I tell ya.

How the hell are you?


:: s ::
| Respice ad diem hanc |

“Don’t Forget to Be Awesome”


//11:31p+17Oct2019=Thursday eve ||the audio portion of a history class movie (film?) about ‘gunfighters’ who showed up to “protect the settlers from outlaws – they brought a code of honor written in their blood, and the blood of the men they killed. Bat Masterson, Wyatt Earp…”//

potential unrealized, DIY urban planning & other sunny thoughts, oddly in October

a cloudy day broken up by clear love, beauty, & kindness. c oct 2019, durhamtown

My sister sent a wonderful kindness yesterday, and I’m wrapping my mind around the touchstone it represents.

Of the past I’ve left/drag along; of people who made me who I am yet without my permission nor – sadly – my best description of gratitude. at this point in my life the interconnections that are, and the space that is yet to come between me and mine.

Always nice to have an object to focus my thoughts, my soul, my spirit. just a day in so who knows where this will take me. Then again who can tell me where I am? sigh.

always with a friend when the sun shines, c oct 2019, durhamtown

Here I am again. Here you are too. Hi. We making it through alright? alright enough?

Podcasts stream into my skull to keep my mind wandering … not sure if that’s what is needed, but I do enjoy the stories being shared. something about a polished, produced ‘thing’ – perhaps it’s the example in concrete that helps me think about pursuing that. Like, what if I managed to have a complete arc of a story idea AND put it out into the world we are currently existing in? What would that look like?

Of course I also think the 1000 pots maxim is probably the better path. So, when I can, I just make this stuff here.

a road followed, changing before my eyes. c oct 2019, durhamtown

Huh – just noticed there’s a word count on the screen – huh. What word count should I shoot for? Oh the words I can write!

Ok – gonna keep this short – trying to figure out a ‘my week in podcasts: epi a, b, c of 123 show – good, good, amazing!

feel free to let me know about the stories you’re paying attention to.

:: s ::
| Respice ad diem hanc |

“Don’t Forget to Be Awesome”

//2:21p+9October2019=Wed afternoon || Roman Mars makes my brain happy, and while chatting with Gordon C.C. Douglas makes me ponder the world I wander about//

Odd interactions, old intersections, worried hope, even in October

beauty during crisis – c 2019, durhamtown

was an odd day yesterday. first time happenings and what not. found a portal to a person in crisis – or, at least from all appearance someone in need of help. and as much as I strive to be helpful it seems as if I was not effective, though that is not at all surprising. still. I hope that in time everyone finds a comfortable spot to have the time to soak in enough solace as to find joy once more.

in a tad bit of a cryptic vaugbooking, I do think Carmen is close to breaking, sharing her ‘facts’ which include the Q warning that it’s ‘habbening’; a slight dive into her past public social expressions made both me and Boo feel a whole lot of the sads. My action to reach to an adjacent, Shelia, seems to have failed. and of course, her starting point was removed from the history, as if it never happened. she certainly had passion in her postings. if – in fact – I am wrong, and she is at the forefront of what really is going on, then might I offer a hearty ‘Oorah’ to the Jarheads being re-introduced into the warrior lifestyle. C’est la vie.

the temps are low, the syrup makes me happy. c oct 2019 – hobbit house

so from crisis out side my sphere of influence to the crisis within – alas even with a tasty breakky of waffley goodness, cool temps and a certain re-centering of my ‘self’ back into my skull has me, if not actually hopeful, looking forward to finishing up the cough & spit of whatever the hell is in my chest. yuck.

So I type a little, I listen a bit to the words and songs of others, I watch the boy just explode into the tiny toddler king he is – did I mention he’s climbing a bit now? good for his motor skills, bad for Boo and I resting at night. Well, that and his pretty regular awakening & hollering. good thing I like to get up every few hours, that I still have some bit of physical prowess that allows me to lift the wee lad (such dead-weight when he’s have asleep) and place him back in bed. Only about 50% of the time do I have to attempt to rationalize with a sleepy toddler that it’s not time to visit mom. sigh.

How are you? How the fuck did it get to be October? Why was I sick for a month? (looking at you, little buddy) How come all the things seem different, and difficult, all the time? Oh, and how the hell do we get back to the place where we were all going to be alright? I know there’s a place for all that – I’m sure of it.

fall can be lovely upon reflection, c Oct 2019, durhamtown

So we go – and go – and go.

I’m torn between thinking that living in these times is the best possible time – the tensions, the unvarnished truth of the long-entrenched hatred and loathing upon which America has built such an amazing society. How do we take the good and leave the bad? the kiddo will get to know the heights of the amazing people on this planet and the stunning lows of the people who drive the american bus. how to use these examples as guides. All the while realizing that I’m not really the best judge of what’s what. guess we’ll find out, eh?

hey – take care of you and yours alright?


:: s ::
| Respice ad diem hanc |

“Don’t Forget to Be Awesome”

//1:56pm+8Oct2019=Tuesday afternoon || TumpConLaw podcast but, honestly, it just makes my skin crawl – though now we’re at Article 25 so … yay!//

with the kiddo napping I breathe, ponder, oddly in October

of crazy fun good times – yay!

Well, this pic covers a number of things, doesn’t it? “snack-sized smoked meat stick”, Google Fi, From idea to magical meow mix – because who doesn’t need to hear ‘Three Little Birds’ by good sir Bob Marley? Thanks blood – you’re always keeping your heart intune with me and mine.

It’s saturday. I’m not in the death throws, feeling definitely above 95% healed. Had a good outing in the side yard this morning with the wee lad – yay us!

if we build it he will climb! – c. oct 2019 hobbit house

It’s been a pretty tough/shitty past 4 weeks. sick, coughing, un-motivated, a tad shocked by the high 90s in the beginning of October, a house that needs all the help and motivation we just don’t have. Ugh. But today – the clouds came, the temps didn’t pass into the high 70s, boo and the kiddo and I made it out and survived!! yay us!! also it should be noted that Boo rocks. She finds and gets the coolest stuff from the local parent groups on social. so now the kid has a proper thing to clamber over which is good for all involved! yay us! yay Boo!!

we can all be heroes


So a few words, a picture or three. It’s like I’m getting back to sharing or telling my stories. Or hell, living my stories. It’s all so very very very much more intense – the on is super on, leading to not being on equallying essentially being on life-support – sure, another season of Blacklist – it’s kinda … mindless. Fun. Fun? meh … while everything piles up around us. sigh.

So we fight to get back to feeling decent enough, I have hopes that I can change my course due to what I’m dealing with and never wanting to have this happen again. Wish me luck, eh?

Be good to each other, alright?


:: s :: | vivere militare est |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”

//8:49p+5Oct2019= Sat eve||…All The Go Inbetweens by Silversun Pickups good sir John spun, back on Friday morn//

-insert pithy blog title here, even in September-

You got one life

Seems THIS life I get to spend 3+ weeks coughing in this end of summer. gah!

in the dark find someplace comfortable

being knocked down sucks. being without an option to hibernate, wrap myself in the Nyquil coccon that replenishes life – it sucks.

that I was able to find some comfortable places was nice – perhaps the first time thru will be the worst.

along the path, thru the farm

well, wanted to say hi. not sure why or if it matters. but here I am. standing up! (while sitting down!) – sigh.

be good to each other.

:: s ::
| Respice ad diem hanc |

“Don’t Forget to Be Awesome”

 /2:25p+30Sep2019=Monday afternoon || into on ear some NPR podcasts & the other the souless quiet of the office/

Alone you are not, oddly in September

looking up or looking out

Hi. How the fuck are you?

Mid-September, eh? Friday, thirteenth, even. the moon – full above the clouds.

the house – a mess and a sanctuary for Rumbly’s giggles. Trashed and a museum of the hard journey we’ve taken to get her. Filled with love, overflowing in fear. Funny how this living thing goes, eh?

a place to be for a moment with Blood

U2 completely turned around John’s arc. Good on ya boys. Good his friends. Good on my friends – so kind, so patient.

I’m tired, in case you wondered, worried. So very very tired.

bit of a hacking cough too. weeee – parenting with a low-grade fever – rock star level achieved!!!

Reach out to get help. Reach out to check in. How does that work anyways? A path I’ve followed has given me too many moments re-assessing, re-judging, re-classifying my past self. Seems the one time in my life I am actually not an imposter – Dad – and it’s all been crap and who can I trust myself? how can I lean on myself? how do I not question the fine folk who are near both recent and past, longtime and short? don’t you see?? don’t you see who I am? ’cause wow – I missed it but I was looking away.

parts and pieces to play with

These are times that are hard. I find myself amused by that sentiment – did I expect different? No – I wasn’t expecting anything at all.

See all this re-visitation, re-categorizing/classifying my life, plus a “music heals” mental  health special, plus sleeping half-buns up, wrapped around a sofa cushion in the middle room trying to get the fire dagger to stop making my behind eye place hurting soooo bad – plus no sleep – allowed a few certain thoughts to percolate into focus.

Westmoreland road elementary – perhaps a Striped Tomato episode where the blond one was junkied-up – what, my impressionable 5th grain bucket of brains thought, could I do if someone did that to me? Drugs were bad, I’d die. That was perhaps my first rememorable moment of ‘depression’ – it was a slide at a playground I eagerly jumped down… though now I recall a moment over at the house next to Gordy’s in which I ripped pieces of the family bible out to put them in a safe box to grab when the house caught fire. Odd, in that dad was a firefighter. Odd in deed.

So imagine perhaps a life where the slopes of anxiety and depression were actually the bedrock foundation all your outbursts were built upon. imagine being lucky enough to have smarts and love and support and getting through just fine (fine? well, never convicted, as they like to joke) – and many many many lifes, lifetimes, and years later you finally understand. you finally realize – perhaps the peachy life you had was more pear shaped; perhaps your smarts was just good test taking and a somewhat dismal track-record of pushing students to excel to their most capable achievement (looking at you 2 pullups in 7th grade scouts thing) … yeah. yup. all. fucking. night. long. it’s easy for me – I held onto lots of these snippets; I’ve bored you with the millionth time I shared … let’s see – not drinking around the campfire due to puking – recall that one? I got something out of it, driving at 14, but – much like my lovelife at 14, certain decisions about ‘who I am’ probably could have waited until a few years later. Though the whole motorcycle thing was a) a good choice, and b) sooooo much earlier.

and now it’s later.

I have a think in the morning.

I’m tired. I have brillance in my skull that fizzles on the way through the fingers… couldn’t find the pic of me on my plastic trike motorcycle circa Hayes road and the beginning of time.

Blood has different recollections, different takes on the situations, and perhaps has hit the key area that I was loved and still lived a life with more high-stress energy/emotions that one should. I don’t know – it was my life, all pretty good – no convictions, right?


right. keep pursuing the answers I guess? gah…


:: s :: | vivere militare est |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”

//|| 256 : 13 Sep 2019 @22:50 ||’into my arms, oh lord’ sings good sir Nick Cave, as played by John for a listener who traded up from her ladybug portable record player to a Walkman, from this past week’s Music Heals – Mental Health show//